Monday, May 16th

I've been pondering dates. And repeat.

There's a lesson lingering in the transition from Sunday to Monday.

Today's meal: fried pork chops, sweet cream style corn, black eyed peas, and rice. They say meaning-making, remembering, rituals and celebrating the dates that remain matter.

Adding this month to that digit. Trying to make sense of a thing. Always trying to make sense of things. The numbers have to hold some magic. This adding, this figuring and considering - all this living and making meaning have to matter.

I'm still leaning into surrender. I still have real anxiousness around death but I'm leaning. But I want to know. I want to know what's next. I want to know the work (physical and emotional) will open something, anything up. That the efforts towards better will offer a much needed "continue this way" reward. Because what's all of this, if you can't feel the wins as thoroughly as the losses that ate/are eating you alive.

I've been pondering possibilities. And repeat.

Passion. That's the thing that keeps me up at night. Passion is its own kind of ghost.

Leaving a job. The leaving is right. The leaving is always heavy with symbolism. Wanted and uwanted. I'm always considering and pondering the signs and symbols.

Going to offer myself flowers, rest, and consideration all week long. Not sure what's next but I know I deserve that. And then some.

You. Have you paused to consider yourself? And isn't it wild how long you can go without pausing to do so?